Disclaimer: the opinions expressed here are entirely those of the author on a account of its my blog. And anyway you wouldn’t be reading this if you weren’t languishing in a really long line somewhere, thinking bad thoughts about your fellow human beings and possible saying “Bah, humbug!”.

So let’s talk about Christmas songs. We might as well, they’ve been playing in Hobby Lobby since before Halloween. And you have miles to go before you sleep (read, New Year’s Day).

First the good, I could have an entire playlist of covers of O Holy Night. All the really old Christmas hymns, the Christmas Song by Nat King Cole, Santa Claus is Coming to Town by the Boss. Run DMC, Christmas in Hollis. You know, the classics.

Then the bad, New Kids On the Block, Funky, Funky Christmas. No…just no.

And then the ugly, the songs I could happily live the rest of my life without hearing again. Here are my top 5. Number 1 is DEFINITELY number 1, the rest are in no particular order.

The Little Drummer Boy

1. Why would a shepherd boy in 1st century Israel need a drum? Do they have some previously unknown soothing effect on sheep?

2. Who wants visits from dirty strangers moments after giving birth?

3. Who in the world thinks playing a drum for a newborn is a good idea? I know when mine were small and sleep elusive, I would’ve shown that shepherd a special new place to keep that drum.

Christmas Don’t Be Late, Alvin and the Chipmunks

1. Chipmunks don’t sing.

2. Chipmunks don’t observe Christmas.

3. Chipmunks don’t wear sweaters. (At least not in Alabama).

All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth

1. Sure hope you got ‘em by now.

2. Stop.

3. No really, stop.

I Want a Hippopotamus For Christmas

1. It’s an ear worm.

2. It’s an ear worm.

3. It’s an ear worm.

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer , Randy Brooks

1. Because what’s Christmassy about Trauma?

2. Do I need another reason?

3. Randy Brooks, what’s the matter with you?

In short, it just seems like some songs (even the ones that were cute the first 125,463 times you heard them) have just been played so much that they should be taken out of circulation. You know, retired, like a sports jersey, and never, never played again. And when we’re through retiring Christmas songs I’m coming for you Stairway to Heaven.

Wow, I feel better now. Thanks for letting me vent. If I missed any, let me know. I think I’ll go have a Christmas cookie now, just not a reindeer one…or a drum.